In the chaos of the public service desk at the downtown library, he turned to me and said, "You and I are dinghies in a stormed tossed sea, surrounded by ships that are going down. I hate that kind of responsibility."
I got it, cause we were in it.
But then I realized...that's exactly the kind of responsibility I need.
I want to write from a root.
I want to know what is stable and go from there.
I want to find what is stable, or else I will invent it.
I tried that before. It only lasts so long.
Ideas eventually get stripped down and freed from their examples.
Sometimes I can meet them there, and let them go.
Sometimes I can't get rid of them no matter what I do.
You and I are dinghies in a storm tossed sea, surrounded by ships that are going down. I love that kind of responsibility.
Of course...everything that happened in my life, affects everything that's happening in my life, and your life too. Including this.
I remember the shift.
I remember realizing that I wasn't just living the history of time, but also the history of thought.
The history of energy.
The history of pain and release.
You and I were a ship on some kind of sparkling sea, surrounded by dinghies, glinting. You no longer accept that kind of responsibility.
But after you go, you are still here.
In my memory.
In my body.
In my songs.
In my stories.
Do you think abandoning us makes the world well?
Or are you just quietly trying to get out of bed in the morning?
I'm trying to get out of bed too.
Some people call it a miracle.
Let's meet them...
The sister: "I know you only moved in here to use this new sink faucet, and I'm okay with that."
The brother: "Oo wow oo wow oo wow oo wow. oo wow oo wow oo wow oo wow."
The mother: "I know you said this relationship was bad for me, but I think I had to figure it out for myself. I think it had to come from me. I guess I'm stronger than I thought."
The daughter: "I just wasn't expecting to need this kind of patience. Ten years. Sometimes that's the speed. Ten years."
The friend: "There's something wrong with my body, and I don't know what it is. I went to the doctors before, but they couldn't really get it. It happened to me last year, and I'm having similar symptoms. I lost a lot of weight, and felt tired all of the time."
The friend: "Oh. That's scary."
Are you trying to get out of bed in the morning? We could start from there every time.
Shit. Some of my friends will be in prison for the rest of their lives.
We can start from there every time.
But you showed up! I showed up!
I think we are being courageous.
I really like showing up.
I also really like driving the bus.
I like having that kind of control.
Unless it's a standard.
Then I realize that I still have a lot of growing to do.
Like I still need to learn how to tell stories with emotion.
And I still need to learn how to tell you that, "I was a bully once," without you thinking I am a bully. I trust we'll figure it out.
Because you and I are dinghies in a storm tossed sea and here we are.
And you always want to discuss serious things. And I do too.
And I think we are also the ships.
And I think we are also the sea.
And we love.
We can still love.
tooker avenue
6 years ago
2 comments:
i am glad that you get out of bed pretty much every morning. you inspire me to get out of bed every morning. xoxo
You are so amazing. I LOVE YOU.
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